Starship Andromeda
by Fujin Masago
Summary: Think: the computer game Starship Titanic meets Andromeda. Please R&R!


DISCLAIMER: Everything belongs to their respective owners.

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Starship Andromeda

A regular, peaceful day on the Andromeda. no, wait, that's not regular! An unusually peaceful day on the Andromeda. The ship is *gasp* fully functional. All is well well, maybe not _all_.

All of a sudden, the ship jerks and twists. Since it's about 2 am, the crew is caught completely off-guard. Most of them fall out of bed. Especially Harper.

HARPER: (hits the floor) Ow! Hey! What the–(wakes up completely) What was that?

When there is no response, he gets slightly nervous.

HARPER: Rommie?

ROMMIE: (ship voice. Far too chipper and pleasant) Bing-bong! We regret to announce that the ship is hurtling through space.

HARPER: What? It's a little too early to be trying the whole humor thing, Rommie

He gets no response. Getting worried, he pulls on his clothes and charges out to the hall, where he runs into Rommie-the-android.

HARPER: Rommie? What's going on?

ROMMIE: (brightly) Good morning, Harper!

HARPER: Morning? It's like 2 AM! That means it's still nighttime. Are you going to tell me what's going on or not?

ROMMIE: (blinks) One question at a time, please!

HARPER: I only asked one question!

ROMMIE: (cocks her head at him) I'm sure you're right.

HARPER: Are you going to answer?

ROMMIE: Umm. there must be a translation error. You'll have to rephrase your question.

HARPER: (getting more worried) Translation error? No, that's not possible! It took me hours to get you perfect, and you already knew how to respond to any situation possible

Rommie simply stares at him.

HARPER: Rommie, answer me. What's--going--on?

ROMMIE: Oh, didn't you hear? The ship is spinning out of control.

HARPER: (taken aback) What? Couldn't you prevent that?

ROMMIE: I didn't say anything about my mind being cut off from the ship.

HARPER: You're mind's cut off from the ship?

ROMMIE: I'm sure you're right.

HARPER: Are you okay? You're acting like well, like a robot.

ROMMIE: I'm sure you're right.

Harper stares at her.

ROMMIE: (ship voice) Bing-bong! We regret to announce that breakfast this morning has been cancelled.

HARPER: (very confused) What? Why?

ROMMIE: One question at a time, please!

HARPER: (annoyed and worried at the same time) Why did you say that breakfast was cancelled?

ROMMIE: Did I? There must have been some error.

HARPER: An error caused you to cancel breakfast?

ROMMIE: I don't like errors.

Beka comes out of her room, wearing boxers and a tank top and rubbing her forehead.

BEKA: (sees Rommie) What'd you do that for?

ROMMIE: (brightly) Good morning, Beka!

HARPER: What happened?

BEKA: Well, I woke up when I fell out of bed, and I figured I might as well get an early start, so I asked Rommie to make me some breakfast.

ROMMIE: Didn't you hear? Breakfast was cancelled.

BEKA: Well, I know that _now_.

HARPER: So, why are you so angry?

BEKA: When I ordered breakfast, a whole chicken came flying out of the compartment and hit me in the head!

Harper starts laughing hysterically.

BEKA: Stop laughing! It's not funny!

Harper can't seem to stop.

BEKA: Anyways, Rommie, I would _like_ an explanation.

ROMMIE: (looks disoriented for a moment) Umm there must be a translation error. You'll have to rephrase your question.

BEKA: Translation error?!? I'll give _you_ a translation error!!!

HARPER: (manages to stop laughing in order to save his precious Rommie) Down, Beka. Rommie's not feeling well today.

ROMMIE: I'm sure you're right.

BEKA: Not feeling well? How?

HARPER: Weeell there's the breakfast thing, and how she seems to have a limited number of responses, and–

ROMMIE: (ship voice) Bing-bong! We regret to announce that the ship is hurtling through space.

HARPER: --there's that.

BEKA: What the hell was up with that?

ROMMIE: There's no need to get vulgar.

HARPER: I don't know. Earlier, she said that her mind was cut off from the ship.

BEKA: But she _is_ the ship.

HARPER: Yeah, but if there was a problem with the AI network or something, I think she'd get protectively cut off to keep her android body from malfunctioning too badly. And that would seriously limit her mind. She's not a full AI right now, just an android with a large number of programmed responses.

BEKA: Wow. That actually made sense.

HARPER: Yeah, _tell_ me about it.

Dylan comes storming in, fully dressed, doing his impression of a drunken maniac.

DYLAN: What the _hell_ did you do to my _ship_???

ROMMIE: (as always, eerily calm and pleasant) There's no need to get vulgar.

HARPER: We didn't do anything! I don't know what happened.

DYLAN: Rommie, what happened?

ROMMIE: Oh, didn't you hear? The ship is spinning out of control.

DYLAN: What?

ROMMIE: I didn't say anything about my mind being cut off from the ship.

HARPER: There–she said it again!

BEKA: I know, I heard.

DYLAN: Mr. Harper, care to fill me in?

HARPER: I think her AI network's been disrupted. That's why she's acting like a robot.

DYLAN: Can you fix her?

HARPER: Oh, sure. Just gimme a couple a hours.

DYLAN: Good. Be sure you let me know if anything goes wrong.

HARPER: Can do! 

Dylan marches back to bed. Harper starts off, but Beka stops him.

BEKA: (whispers) Can I come with you? Rommie's kind of giving me the creeps.

HARPER: Sure.

They head off. Rommie stands alone, and her gaze gradually moves to the floor.

ROMMIE: This floor could definitely be cleaner.

An hour later, in one of those engineering tunnels. The ship lurches again, having spontaneously switched directions again. Harper falls against the fuse board or whatever you wanna call it that he's working on, and Beka steadies herself against the wall.

BEKA: Can't you work any faster? I'm getting _so_ sick of this

HARPER: Hey, I'm going as fast as I can! I'd like to see you do better, under the circumstances.

BEKA: And yet you don't seem to be making any progress.

HARPER: Hey, I've made plenty of progress! 

BEKA: Really?

HARPER: Yeah! I umm (meets Beka's gaze) Oh, who am I kidding? I haven't made any progress at all. I'd be lucky if I could get her to serve us breakfast.

BEKA: That's what I love about you, Harper–when faced with a direct question and stare, you never lie.

HARPER: Some people would call that a bad thing.

BEKA: Yeah, well, some people don't know how to use it to their advantage.

HARPER: What advantage? The only time I ever lie is to cover up the fact that I'm not perfect.

BEKA: Oh, really? Remember that time when Trance left you in charge of watering her plants while she was gone, and you killed that bonsai apple tree of hers, and when she got back you told her–

HARPER: Alright! I get the picture!

BEKA: I think she named that one George.

HARPER: _And _I apologized for that!

ROMMIE: (ship voice) Bing-bong! Please note that the ship's functions should not be tampered with. Should you continue, we will be forced to resort to offensive measures.

HARPER: I wish she would stop that.

BEKA: Me, too.

Harper does some more tampering with his tool. A shower of sparks comes out.

HARPER: Crap!

BEKA: On the bright side, at least you got a reaction.

ROMMIE: (ship voice) Bing-bong! We regret to announce that someone has been tampering with the ship, and offensive measures will have to be taken. 

Suddenly, a big electric shock comes from the fuse board and zaps Harper, tossing him against the back wall. 

BEKA: Harper!

HARPER: (picking himself up) Ow

BEKA: (helps Harper up) I don't think this is gonna work.

HARPER: Me, neither. (winces)

BEKA: Maybe we should tell Dylan?

Harper stares at her.

BEKA: I didn't think so. 

They climb out of the tunnel and start down the hall.

BEKA: I should have known you wouldn't want him to know that you can't fix this.

HARPER: I can fix this! I can fix anything! I just need some time to work out how.

BEKA: Uh-huh. Sure. And what will you be doing during this time?

HARPER: Drinking alcoholic beverages and watching holo-movies.

BEKA: Just as I thought. You know, if you slack off like this much more, Dylan might fire you or something.

HARPER: Nah. He needs me. I'm the best freakin engineer this ship has ever seen. And I'm currently the only one.

BEKA: In other words, you have automatic tenure?

HARPER: I love this job.

ROMMIE: (ship voice) Bing-bong! We are happy to announce that the sabotager has been diverted.

HARPER: (grumbling) Sabotager? Is that what I am?

ROMMIE: (from down the hall) Good morning, Tyr!

HARPER: And the plot thickens! 

TYR: (from down the hall) What exactly are you doing?

ROMMIE: (from down the hall) Spring-cleaning.

BEKA: This sounds like it'll be fun. Let's go watch.

They head down the hall.

TYR: (from down the hall) First of all, it's not springtime, and second of all, why?

ROMMIE: (from down the hall) I'm sure you're right.

Beka and Harper round the corner. Rommie is polishing the floor with a rag, and is surrounded by cleaning equipment. Tyr is standing near Rommie, looking like he's not quite sure whether to be shocked, appalled, or frightened.

TYR: Ship, would you at least attempt to say something of slight relevance?

ROMMIE: Umm there must be a translation error. You'll have to rephrase your question.

TYR: (getting annoyed) Listen carefully. I want a complete, coherent, and truthful response, and I am fully capable of entering a virus into your system. Now, tell me exactly what's going on.

ROMMIE: Oh, didn't you hear? The ship is spinning out of control. 

TYR: What?

ROMMIE: I didn't say anything about my mind being cut off from the rest of the ship.

TYR: (controlled voice) And you just did, so would you mind explaining it to me?

ROMMIE: Umm there must be a translation error. You'll have to rephrase your question.

TYR: (getting pretty PO'd) Listen, ship, when I say I want an answer, I mean a real answer! I've had it with your–

HARPER: (interrupting) As much as I hate to break up what would have been a very funny scene, I gotta interfere before Tyr blows a vein and takes it out on Rommie. Tyr, Rommie's kind of not well.

BEKA: That's why she's bucking like a drunken Vedran with a Nightsider on its back and acting like a robot.

HARPER: Do you have to use that comparison all the time? It's getting old, and it sounds like you're running out of witty remarks.

BEKA: Hey, whaddya know? I am!

TYR: Are you trying to tell me that we're on a ship that's gone insane?

HARPER: If ya wanna be pessimistic, yeah. But she doesn't have it nearly as bad as the _Pax Magellanic_ did. Hey, I wonder if it's caused by the same thing?

BEKA: It's not impossible.

TYR: Excuse me.

Tyr brushes past them and heads down the hall.

HARPER: Hey, where're you going?

TYR: (not stopping) The Maru.

BEKA: Oh, no you don't!

TYR: Oh, yes I do. You may be willing to risk your lives on an insane starship, but I have my survival to think about. I'm leaving.

HARPER: And what makes you think Rommie'll let you go?

They all turn to stare at Rommie, who is still scrubbing the floor busily. 

ROMMIE: Were you talking to me?

They continue to stare at her.

ROMMIE: Don't just stand there, pass me the silver polish. It works wonders on my floor.


End file.
